Rhonda Perky goes under the covers to discover a miracle cure for Married Sex
As tends to happen in long term relationships, intimate encounters become less frequent, less spontaneous, less imaginative, and before you know it you’re having Married Sex* (when you have sex at all).
Some couples go to great lengths to spice things up, frequenting the nearest Boganburbia Sexyland to purchase ‘marital aides,’ or just popping into Club X with a tissue or two. Others resort to sharing porn, but this can venture into uncomfortable territory… he wants to watch the one where the lesbians cop facials, she wants the one with the well-endowed pool cleaner.
Let me assure you, things need not end in awkward compromise or virtual abstinence.
Take the example of my good friends, Mr and Mrs McBallsdeep, who recently discovered TV’s vampire craze, True Blood. Free-to-air, not explicitly masturbatory (thus avoiding the eyebrow-raising selection of Asian Angels who love Anal), it provides a whole new realm of improbable scenarios for hours of role-play, for example, jumping out of graves or hanging from the ceiling.
Anyone who has encountered the deadly drudgery of bedroom-only sex (or worse, bed-only marital sex) will tell you that new stimulus is only half the battle. You are now in the right mindset, but as soon as you hit the staid floral duvet gifted to you from your mother-in-law, you realise it will take some sort of prop to stir things up again.
Enter the Sex Pouf.**
Not quite as risqué as dogging (public sex), and perhaps not as thrilling as hanging from the ceiling, I’m assured the pouf is very versatile, providing hours of exploratory fun as you discover new and interesting angles that simply can’t be achieved in your run-of-the-mill boudoir. Plus there’s no need to secret away your brown-bag purchases as you hurry to your illegally-parked car in the middle of Boganburbia. A full range of socially-acceptable poufs can be purchased at your local Ikea or Freedom store.
So if one day you wake up and realise the washing machine is only ever used for doing the laundry and the kitchen bench for preparing chops and three veg, it might be time to invest in some serious couch-time with Bill Compton (Steven Moyer), Jason ‘I’ll shag anything’ Stackhouse (Ryan Kwanten), and his little sister Sookie (Anna Paquin).
*Note: it is not necessary to be married in order to have Married Sex. My ex-husband and I were having Married Sex long before he put that diamond crusted shackle on my finger. Conversely, not all married couples have Married Sex.