‘Happily Ever… Before and After’

Thinking of getting hitched? Rhonda Perky shares her top pre-marital pointers, as found on Flowinglove.com:

• ‘take your time to develop a friendship with your potential partner‘… because when the well of sex dries up, you need to have something to talk about.
• ‘You don’t have to wait to have all 6 million of your ducks in line to get married‘… because as we all know, ‘the love of money is the root of all kinds of evil‘. If that doesn’t convince you, consider that slobbing on the couch night after night is relatively cheap. No need to worry about owning 70 pairs of shoes to wear with each outfit, or stress about whether or not she’ll put out before deciding to pay for dinner.
• ‘Put God first place in your lives‘. You can always pray for more money, more sex, or a cheap divorce.
• ‘Don’t look to build a marriage relationship with people who are not equally yoked‘. I took this to mean that if you’re a dom, you should partner up with a sub, and vice versa. For this I recommend Collarme.com.
• ‘Keep your sexual purity in tack until after the wedding. Too late for that now? Ok, so then ask God for forgiveness, forgive yourself, and start fresh on the right path, right now.’ I can only assume this is to prepare you for a lifetime of marital abstinence. Hell, why not start out sleeping on the couch?
• ‘make a primary decision to stick together‘… because a problem shared is a problem halved, and misery loves company.
• ‘Look daily for what there is to appreciate about your spouse, if you are unable to find anything then you may have become too familiar, perhaps to a disposition harmed by pampering‘… or there might not be anything to find. In which case:
• ‘always speak with loving intentions‘, though the site goes on to warn that ‘you should not flatter [your spouse] with falsehoods… or attempt to motivate them by belittling them.’ You can, however manipulate them (see this extract from Rose Buckner for handy tips and tricks on how to get what you want from your husband), or use the tried and tested method of ‘nagging’ (check out Barbara and Allan Pease’s ‘Why Men Don’t Have a Clue and Women Need More Shoes: The Ultimate Guide to the Opposite Sex, Chapter 1: Nagging‘ for invaluable pointers).
• ‘Don’t expect your spouse to read your mind‘. If this is a requirement, try Spiritualists Medium & Clairvoyance, ‘the place where mediums and psychics meet’.
• ‘Learn to be in control of yourself and your emotions, do not allow your emotions to control you‘. Get your fix from ControlFreak.net.
• But above all, don’t wait. Because:

‘people who wait until they reach their 30’s, before getting married, are far more likely to have more sexual health issues. They will either have had many sexual partners, risking a higher possibility of sexually transmitted diseases, (STD’s). Or, in the case of many women, will have formed a belief that sex means nothing, (cause the guy is gone afterward), or struggle to achieve sexual contentment due to low Oxytocin levels, (from having multiple partners). Or, in the case of some men, their minds have been corrupted by porno to a point that they now stay home with imaginary lust figures who teach them that women are sexual objects, (not persons to love). Society teaches many men to fulfill their wants in 1, 2, 3, thanks I needed that, it’s over now theories. Now, they both carry what they have inappropriately learned into a marriage and they wonder why it does not last.’

Still not convinced? Consider this valuable lesson from the website’s author:

‘I once knew a woman who wanted to base a relationship with me on her sexual satisfaction. She did not want to spend time getting to know one another, she wanted to see if I would satisfy her sexually. That was probably due to the fact that she had numerous previous partners and now had low levels of Ocytocin. I could not engage upon that kind of thinking, so nothing ever came of it. However years later I bumped into her, (by chance), and did converse with her some. I learned that she never had a child because her time had past by her, that was do to the fact that she was pursuing the wrong objectives.’

(For those of you unfamiliar with the supposed effects of oxytocin, check out ‘Myths about the “love hormone” oxytocin that could ruin your love life‘ on io9.com).

If only I’d known then what I know now, I might still be slobbing on the couch eating pizza every night, too tired, bored and fat to fuck.

-RP