A busty confession

Roberta Bust opens up about opening her relationship

I never thought I would ever be in this position. I’m 29, happily married to an amazing man (let’s call him ‘Ben’). He is my best friend, my confidante, my whole world, and he’s the one person I truly trust.

I’m not a religious person, and until now I have embraced the values of marriage, of monogamy, of spending the rest of my life with one person. But lately, I have been feeling like something is missing. That it’s not enough, that I need and want more.  A longing that cannot be fulfilled by my relationship with Ben.

These feelings have been incredibly challenging for me physically, emotionally and mentally. They have made me reassess my values, and identify what I need, what I desire, and what I need to do to move forward.

It is said women reach their sexual peak in their 30’s. I never really believed that, or maybe never believed that it would happen to me. I guess over the years, I’ve made myself think I’m not a sexual person. Of course I had experiences in my teens (probably more than others at that age), but I met Ben when I was 18 and was married by 23, and so my sexual exploration has been limited, slowly stifled and diminished to Married Sex.

I have recently discovered how this progression has hit my confidence. On reflection, before I met Ben, I was confident, especially in the bedroom. I was open – not shy. I allowed myself to enjoy my encounters and I took control. I was not at all submissive. I felt sexy, alive. I loved my body and knew men desired me. I was fierce and not afraid to try anything once. I’m sure these are the qualities that Ben fell in love with too.

This has gone, replaced with extreme self-consciousness and loathing, towards myself, my body and my clunky sexual interactions.

I am told I need to be more confident, that I am sexy from the outside, but at the moment I am crippled by my feelings inside. Confidence is not something you can just get; it takes time, patience and a belief in yourself.

To help rebuild some of my confidence, I have been going out more, without Ben, and flirting with many men, trying to seek validation that I am desirable. In doing this I have discovered a sexual urge I haven’t felt in years.

After agonising over these ‘inappropriate feelings’ I decided the only way to overcome them, was to address them and my needs. I know that sounds incredibly selfish, but if I have these feelings, I’m sure Ben does too.

The subject of having an open relationship was broached, and we agreed to explore the possibility, to maintain the companionship, continue loving and building our lives together, but that if one of us feels the need to go beyond the boundaries of our relationship with another person, we understand and allow it, rather than restrict it.

The moment our conversation ended I felt energised and liberated. The flirting and fantasising about sleeping with other men had become a reality. My body immediately responded as well, and I was surprised by the reaction. Idle thoughts began to make me wet. Flirty messages, too. My body had begun to tingle with butterflies from the sexual tension that I needed to release.

Pretty soon I had the opportunity to act on these urges, but my first attempt with another man was not the most successful. I was so turned on by him, by his amazing body, his gentle nature, his sweet face and smile. Our sexual chemistry was incredible, especially when just kissing, but as our bodies moved and swayed, I allowed my self-consciousness to overpower the experience, resulting in clumsy fondling on my behalf and me second guessing myself. It was like the first time I ever had sex – I had no idea what I was doing and was at the mercy of the young man I was with.

14 years on I found myself reverting to that girl. I walked away thinking how terrible I was in bed. I felt physically sick. I wanted to cry. Why could I not attune myself to his needs and pleasure him like his mere presence pleasured me? What was wrong with me? Why was I finding myself so conflicted and unable to progress our encounter to the next level? I had let my mind take over, instead of listening to my body.

Surprisingly he has agreed to meet me again. Next time I am determined to take control, allow myself to enjoy the experience, release all inhibitions and hopefully regain my sexual confidence.

And in the process I am giving my marriage to Ben a fighting chance, maintaining our relationship, our friendship, and the trust and intimacy we have built over so many years. Because I love him, but I now know I need more.

–RB