The Magic Number

‘Is a girl who’s slept with 100 guys a bad person?’

This is an actual question on the dating site, OkCupid. Not, ‘Would you feel differently about a person, and in what way?’, but ‘Is she a good or bad person’? (Note: I have not yet found an equivalent question relating to guys).

At the beginning of my year of living ‘tartily’ I could count my lovers on a single hand. By the end of my year I have run out of fingers and toes on which to count. Very few of those were single-encounters. A few more years at my current rate and 100 doesn’t seem that far off.

Does this make me a potentially bad person? Am I getting closer and closer to being a bad person with each new partner? What if I had had 300 lovers? Or more? Would that make me a menace to society who needs to be locked up before bringing ruin and destruction to all humankind?

I have empathy and sympathy, I treat myself and others with respect, I try to do no harm, and to not hurt others – sometimes to my own detriment. I value my family, my friends, my work. I treat others as I would want to be treated in return.

Does that sound like a bad person?

If I slept with a thousand people or more, would I be a bad person then?

Perhaps if those partners have been lied to, used, abused, treated without respect. But that would apply equally if the number was only one.

I can say that not all the people I have slept with have been ‘good’ people. I have been disrespected, lied to, used, coerced, and abused. And each time I have had to build myself back up, remember all the people who have been thoughtful, considerate, kind, the moments I treasured, that keep me coming back for more, whether for sex alone or a little more.

Because it only takes one ‘bad’ person to make you feel devalued and one ‘good’ person, someone who treats you with honesty, integrity and respect, to make you feel cherished.

So for me the magic number is one. Because sleeping with someone doesn’t change who you are, but the way you treat them might.


About Rhonda Perky

Writer, blogger, clinical hypnotherapist and sexologist. Explores sex, sexuality, relationships, and little bits of life. Facebook: Instagram: @rhondaperky Twitter: @rhondaperky
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2 Responses to The Magic Number

  1. Rhonda Perky says:

    One of my twitter followers found the equivalent, ‘Is a guy who’s slept with 100 girls a bad person?’ question on the site. The person whose ‘Yes’ response inspired this post hadn’t answered it. Curious to see what his answer would have been. In any case, male or female, I don’t believe the number of sexual partners a person has had is any indication of how ‘good’ or ‘bad’ they are, and clearly not everyone agrees.

    (The same individual responded to the question: ‘Someone you like is drunkenly flirting with you. You know that with a sober mind this person would not engage in casual sex, but now it seems that they’re willing. What do you do?’ with ‘Take advantage of the situation’.)

  2. Hi Rhonda! I

    ‘ve just come across your blog this morning. Looking forward to exploring it more. I’m a 28-year-old Aussie living in London. I’m halfway through a six-month stint of celibacy. I decided to quit sex for a little bit because I was having a whole heap of casual encounters that left me feeling pretty blah. Here’s the post I wrote my Magic Number. I’d love for you to check it out:


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