Lust, love and loneliness

Roberta Bust opens up about her fear of finding herself alone

I’ve been officially single for the last 5+ months now, and have found there is a part of me that keeps craving companionship and love, but without the complications of a relationship – it’s inconsistent I know. I am surrounded by friends who are in loving and supportive relationships, new and long term, and I long for the time that I find myself in one too.

Yet I have come to a point in my journey where I am so conflicted about what I want. My heart certainly feels it’s ready to love again, but my head is placing barriers at every point. I find myself questioning everyone and everything, ultimately sabotaging any chance I could have at finding love again.

Granted my choice in men has not been the best, however I attribute that to my head taking control and pointing me in the directions of Mr Right Now, not Mr Right. All the while, my heart tries to intervene, attempting to instil feelings that clearly aren’t there and never will be. Sigh.

So what is this journey teaching me, and why do I keep hitting the proverbial wall? Why is it that I continually find myself in situations I’d rather not be, but for lack of other potential suitors, I continue to be involved in them? Why is it that my actions and words are worlds apart when it comes to relationships, casual or otherwise?

I am terrified of starting another relationship. I don’t want to get emotionally involved or attached, I don’t want to build any expectations because I don’t want to be hurt again. But part of me is ready to take that leap. I also know I need to live, be free for a while. Some of the time that works for me, but when I am lying in bed and there is no one beside me, there is a loneliness that I have never experienced, and it overwhelms me. This loneliness influences the choices I make, and I continually find myself seeking companionship in the arms of men I am not attracted to, but the desire for comfort and brief passion is too overpowering. It’s the only thing that fleetingly fills the void.

The point I keep coming back to after hours of self-reflection, counselling and discussions with friends, is that I want to stop the loneliness. I want to meet someone, share my life with them, someone who will love me for me, make me feel special and think the world of me. But why the rush? I’ve only been single a short while and haven’t had the freedoms of most people my age, so why do I keep placing so much pressure on myself? And then it clicked.

I am fast approaching 30, and for me this is a milestone. This is the first time in my adult life I have been single, and it terrifies me. I don’t want to celebrate my birthday alone. Pathetic I know, but it is something I just can’t face. I have wonderful friends who I can share the day with, but there is something that I want that my friends can’t give.

I also feel the societal pressure that as one approaches 30 and beyond, they should be thinking about marriage, babies, and the rest. Even though this is the very situation I just escaped, and have no desire to recreate–I don’t even feel a sense of urgency about having children–the feeling lingers in the back of my mind: I can’t be 30 and be alone.

So when the day comes, I want that special someone to be there. Someone who loves me, who is there when I wake, who will give me the most passionate kiss and want to make my day as special as possible, because I’ve never had that before. And I’m not talking expensive gifts; I’m talking about thoughtful and kind gestures which indicate to me that I am loved. My previous birthdays have consisted of belated presents, or none at all, occasional cards and a quick peck on the lips. Nothing that screams ‘you are special’ or ‘you are loved’. Those memories reinforce feelings of loneliness because it is all I know. But I’m wary that if I rush things, I am likely to choose poorly and my expectations on finding love will be shattered.

I don’t know how I am going to get my head and heart to agree, or whether I will be able to defeat my loneliness and achieve my heart’s desire to have a wonderful partner to share my 30th birthday with. I guess that’s just life. It would be pretty boring if we knew exactly how it pans out. But I do know that I deserve to have these things, and that I need to stop putting a time limit on myself, because it ultimately ends in poor choices. I need to keep putting myself out there and meeting new people, because somewhere out there, there is someone special for me, and when I am ready it will feel right.